| General Integrity |
| (Not) Coming out |
(Not) disclosure of homosexuality to the family. |
|
| Coming out |
Coming-outdecision tends to occur after falling in love which is assumed as the definitive criterion of sexual orientation.Coming out occurs in two forms: i) explicitly: this involves aformal conversation with the parents (usually, coming out first to the mother for help and guidance), or only coming out to a few trusted family members; ii) implicitly: this applies to those who never directly addressed the issue in the family in order to avoid confrontation, although they are sure family knows. |
"I came to Lisbon to study, I fell in love with my boyfriend and I came because it allowed me to live my homosexuality more freely. I live away from them, but I call them every day, and whenever is possible I go there with my partner" (José). |
| Not coming out |
Not coming out is associated with: (i) fear of rejection from the family, in particular from parents, because it may well cut off relationship (involves avoiding themes around sexuality and dating); (ii) form of protection of themselves and their relatives, because of societal prejudices. In some cases homosexuality was discovered by the family, causing conflicts .
|
(i)"I would never tell to my parents, why would I hurt them?! I always heard them say that they would rather a dead son than a homosexual son" (Filipe). (ii) "I never told my parents, I was scared . . . until my father saw a photograph of me kissing a boy and drove me out of the home" (Francisco). |
| Homosexuality (not) acceptance Self and others (not) acceptance of homosexuality. |
|
| 2.1. Self-acceptance |
Participants report feeling good/"normal" with their own homosexuality; this tends to occur in particular after finding a partner with whom they share intimacy on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. This is also associated with less worry about exposure. |
"I always dealt well with homosexuality . . . finding my mate, I realized my orientation, . . .now everyone knows!" (António). |
| Self-rejection |
Participants describe feeling unhappy (related with negative past experiences of rejection from society), embarrassed ("I'm the shame of the family!;João) or regretting (feeling at fault for being gay, as if it was a choice) being homosexual. |
"I regret that I have dedicated myself only to men, the ideal is bisexuality" (Marco). |
| Rejection by others |
Participants feel rejected by others, including family, friends and co-workers, due to their sexual orientation. |
"I had to retire due to my choices; prejudice was such that there was not enough to keep me there" (Paulo). |
| Struggling to prove gender identity as male to others |
Participants describe they have a clear gender self-identity as being male with gender-conforming behaviour; however, they feel the need to prove to others that they are men, because society expects gay men to show numerous female traits. |
"I do not consider myself feminized! I was born a man and men want to die! In my head I'm a man, I'm not a woman! . . . Here at home there are two men who do household chores and help" (Francisco). |
| Transformation of family relationships |
|
| (Not) coming-out influence on the quality of family relationships |
|
| 4.1. Positive influence |
Positive influence is associated with: (i) not coming out, since things would be rather bad if they had come out; (ii) coming out explicitly because it promoted more secure and affectionate interactions with parents; strengthened relationships with the family members who had a good reaction and accepted boyfriends; there is a first shock leading to some distance, but the end is happy, becauseparents finally accept the son's sexual orientation; (iii) coming out implicitly because it helps family acceptation. Acceptance is promoted by familyvalues(honesty and hard work) and relatives' personality (generous and loyal). |
"Not telling my parents positively influenced our relationship because they were gradually accepting" (Tomás). "My mother said she was not interested in whether I was gay or not; what mattered was that I was serious, hardworking and never gave her any grief" (Francisco). |
| Negative influence |
Negative influence (disengagement or cut-off) is associated with coming out or discovery of homosexuality. It is portrayed as a long-term distressing experience, highly influenced by the social prejudice towards homosexuality that confuses the family. It is characterized by:A total separation (cut-off) that compels the gay person to learn to live alone, grieving for family identity. Some family values- mainly machismo and conservative attitudes - make the acceptation of homosexuality difficult. |
"I lived my teens stuck in the closet, I'm afraid . . . from there I learned to be alone . . . Now I have a friendship with the family, not love" (Álvaro). "My father was one of those macho conservative: A gay son would be a shame for the family! He fainted because it was a shock - no one suspected" (Francisco). |
| Establishing a chosen family |
It comprises whose without blood ties who view their homosexuality without prejudices. The gay community emerges as a chosen family, a place to express themselves and feel better (facilitated by the recent increase in the number of gay bars),what is more common for those that have faced family and friends rejection. |
"When we gathered with friends, we listened and shared experiences, and that made us understand better and encouraged us to go ahead . . . there (in the gay bar), I can speak as I please; there is my home and I do what I want who feels bad withdraws up! . . . When my father kicked me out of the house after discovering my homosexuality, there were not these gay bars and friendships; today everything would be easier" (Francisco). |
| Resolution of past losses/conflicts Conflicts that emerged in the past but that are still alive |
|
| Mutual progressive disengagement after disclosure |
Some relatives have not fully accepted the homosexuality, although they maintain some contact. Disengagement is progressive since the coming out or discovery of the homosexuality. For instance: because the family prohibits the gay relative to be acquainted with new family members (such as newborn children or in-laws), the gay relative becomes outraged with that behaviour, leading to a progressive mutual disengagement and consequent family cut-off |
"Since they discovered my homosexuality they never talk to me (his ex-wife and his sons), and my grandchildren have been born and they will not let me see them" (Paulo). "I feel that with the exception of my parents, my family never accepted my homosexuality, and I moved away too" (António). |
| Regrets related to homosexuality |
Participants regret past decisions or choices related to their homosexuality, in particular: (i) Coming out too early. (ii) "False" wedding; i.e. had been married because of the social pressure, and subsequently divorced. |
(i) "If I had known, I would have revealed my homosexuality to my parents later, so they would not have been so shocked . . . I regret it, but at 19 you don't always use your head" (João). (ii)"I married my ex-wife; I was very scared because I had to pretend I liked women . . . but I regret having done it because it hurt her and my children" (Paulo). |
| Creating a Legacy Associated With Homosexuality |
|
| Helping other homosexuals |
Participants highlight how their homosexuality experience may gain meaning and contribute to others: (i) Intention of helping the younger generations in the coming-out process. (ii) Desire to be remembered as an example of homosexuality. |
(i)"I want to help young, single gay men . . . I'm here to say that you can be gay, happy and fulfilled. If parents do not like it, patience, not worth wasting time trying to be what we are not" (Francisco). (ii)"I'd like to be remembered as someone who was able to develop a robust, mature and generous relationship with my partner always want what we build" (António). |
| Disillusion for not fulfilling parents wishes |
Participants report some disillusion for not fulfilling their parents' desires, in particular those related to not perpetuating the generation. |
"My father would have liked me to have given him a grandson, to have got married, and it never happened, and was never going to happen"(Francisco). |
